The Main Line

It’s creepy out there, like October creepy. And driving up 51 feels a little lonely. On my way to the Fed-Ex pick up spot up the street,  I have anxiety for a few reasons:

1) I’m going to the place that is supposed to deliver something to me seems like a small step towards a labyrinth (not the kind with David Bowie!) of confusion and frustration.

2) I’m there to pick up a new iphone to replace the old one I got to replace the one I lost to replace the one I broke to replace the other one I broke. It’s not my fault. We’re not here to blame.

But things go on without a hitch and then I can go back to my addiction as soon as I activate my new phone as soon as I back up the old one as soon as I update the – you get it.

But hey, we’re here, so why not skip across the street Karben4 and have a beer and a snack.

There is popcorn. Plus.
It has spices and shit on it. Minus.

Then I get offered a Packer shot. Plus? Oh yeah, football. Midori and soda and other things. I feel like I’m in middle school again! Shots for everyone! Phil Simms is talking about how someone who weighs 341 pounds needs to gain more weight to really excel at his position. That guy works for the Vikings, I think. I’ve distanced myself from football as of late. Polls show that I’m one of about 15% of people who are less likely to watch football based on recent events (assaults by players of their family members and the NFL being a little inconsistent with the punishments. But I ask you: how many people get fired from their jobs working in offices because they are abusive towards others?  Far too few, but I suppose none of those people are in commercials for hair products.)

The Octoberfest – excuse me – Oaktober Ale, is really smooth and only a little dark. HOWEVER! One of my favorite things about Wisconsin is the sampling culture. But I make that request for the Oaktober, since I’m not a huge fan I the genre. BUT, NO sampling allowed on the seasonal. REALLY? So I order the pint anyway cause fuck that guy, and it’s fine. Nice brownish smooth taste that reminds me of a burning oak leaf.

Now I get it. Oaktober.

I’ve been looking forward to Oaktober since last Oaktober when I went up north and lost my phone to a Hodag looking for trouble. Since then, I’ve promised myself to stay at least two hardware versions behind. It’s better luck that way.

They have horse heads here so that means they’re up on the latest internet memes from about 8 months ago. 27 for the packers breaks a tackle on two consecutive runs  – the second for a 27 yard gain.

The bartender who served me my drink has completely abandoned the bar, so I am beginning to abandon my interest in ordering food here. It’s not about that though. We’re here for Oaktoberfest and that’s the end of it. Have I mentioned that I do not prefer harvest-style beers unless they have pumpkins in them? Well there you go. For my money, by the way, the Winter Warmer by Harpoon is the best cinnaminny beer of this genre, but you usually have to go to Boston for that.


A bartendress begins to pay me attention! And asks all about my conditions. She brings more popcorn (with no shit it it!, just butter and salt!)! So she lets me order something, and because she’s wearing A Donald driver jersey, I do not demur.

The packers scored but the Vikes are content to methodically March it down the field. Christian ponder seems to suck at sports but I don’t have time for this shit. NBA training camp is underway and the Celtics are looking good! Our star player broke his hand at a trampoline park (taking a shower after he went to a trampoline park).

My bartendress returns and brings me a Tokyo Sauna! Which is Karben’s APA offering. For those uninitiated, APA’s are like IPA’s for those who like to reserve puckering for the bedroom. That’s my style, so I go with it. Bearded hipster dude has moved on to the other side of the bar and that’s fine with me. We had a difference of philosophies and nothing’s going to change that.

I ask about the size of the TVs (there are 9 clients here). She thinks 68. Nice round number. I am rewarded for my curiosity with another packer shot. I feel like I’m in middle school again.

Rodgers hits the white wide receiver for an easy td against a porous Vikings secondary. Did I ever tell you about the time I met him?

Beer cheese soup and flat bread pizza arrives. The former is subtle and doughy, like the Vikings O line. Ponder gets sacked.

The pizza (flatbread) is fine but I don’t care too much about it. I’m not all set, but I’m ambivalent enough to take note of it. There’s just nothing notable about it except that it’s really just half a pizza cut into little triangles.

A Southwest commercial comes on. I am drawn to commercials because I don’t have TV and commercials are fascinating if you only see them once a month.

Rodgers fires another one down the field. The white wide receiver flubs and the packers punt. Ponder gets a chance to do something.

Mike Zimmer, the Vikings coach, seems confused. Ponder takes a low hit to the knee. He’s the third string qb and starting a game. If he goes down it’s Timberwolves rookie phenom Andrew Wiggins to the rescue.

I never had the guts to play football. It was my temper. I didn’t trust myself not to kill someone who tried to tackle me. Plus, my mommy said I couldn’t because it was a dangerous sport.

20 years later (Jesus, was that 20 years ago?)  I called my mother to thank her. It turns out that playing football in high school can cause brain damage. That’s high school, friends, and following. We’re learning that repeatedly getting hit in the head is bad for you. WEIRD!

The Tokyo sauna pale ale is light, but hoppy enough to feel like and APA. I like it enough, but it’s no Berkshire Brewing Company Steel Rail Pale Ale, the best beer known to man.

The waitress tells me I can purchase a growler for $3.50 or something. Good deal, but I’ll pass tonight. Time to mainline, I mean activate my new phone. And put this old girl to rest for now. Until I lose the new one and have to revert back to this one. We’ll have a good run together either way.